And So I Melt
by SpeedReader9
Summary: There are times when Ashley looks at me that I just begin to melt.
1. Spencer

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with this show, or network, etc. I really don't own much of anything, period.

I just felt the need to write, and so here we are. Ashley/Spencer...a look into Spencer's thoughts through the season.

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There are times when Ashley looks at me that I just begin to melt.

I'm don't mean those looks of lust that she tried so hard to hide when we first met. I'm used to looks of lust and desire. And although I will admit a look of lust from Ash is hotter than one from anyone else, it's not the look that made me fall for her. It's the look that she saves only for me. It's reserved for moments after we've opened up to each other yet again, it's a look of understanding. And in that one look I know she sees all of me. She sees that hidden Spencer, the part that wants her, the part that's afraid, and every emotion in between. She sees it all but she never runs and she never pushes. And so I melt.

I'd like to say that when we met I really was only interested in being friends. But by the time we went to her house and she gave me that look for the very first time, I could no longer deny that something else was taking place. There was this connection, a spark even. I spent a lot of time alone in my room trying to convince myself that that was just Ashley. She just exuded sex. And while I came to find out how true that was, I also came to find out how that spark existed for the two of us alone.

I can remember the exact moment I admitted to myself that I wanted her. It was the night after the dance. I mean a girl can't deny these things for long when she can't stop thinking about the girl she spent the night driving around with instead of the guy. The night was spent with the two of them shooting me what they thought to be discrete looks. Aiden's looks were clearly undressing me. Ashley's looks went straight into my heart, not my pants. It was sweet. And so I came home and said to my pillow, "I have feelings for Ashley Davies." My declaration was surprisingly not followed by panic. It felt right.

So why did it take me so long to admit it to her? I feel now as if I had been brainwashed. I had looked at girls before, and felt attracted to them, but that was normal right? Girls did that all the time. We were freer that way than guys. We could walk down a hallway holding hands and give innocent kisses on the cheek. But now there was a very specific girl, one that was this dizzing blend of sweet and sexy. But society, and the claws it still had in me began to throw out that word "gay." I couldn't be gay. I wasn't gay. I slept with a guy. I dated guys. I would force myself to check out guys at school only to have her come around the corner and steal every thought I've ever had in my life. I realize now how much like my mother I was during those moments. I was just full of denial. I desperately didn't want to be labeled. High school is hard enough as it is.

And so my days became structured as such: Flirting with Aiden. Thinking about Ashley. Kissing Aiden. Dreaming of Ashley. It was a game that I was playing not only with her but with myself.

Then it all got to be too much. First it was the almost kiss. The line I had desperately trying to draw in the sand was washed away by the wave that is Ashley. And I ran because at that moment all I really wanted to do was fall and let her catch me. Both figuratively and literally. Then Glen found his way into my secret Ashley feelings and threatened it all. Of course, without his meddling I might have never have realized that I was willing to give up everything, if need be, to have Ashley look at me, to really see me, forever. As Aiden drove me to Ash's house that night I also realized that I hadn't been checking out, or even really attracted to anyone since I'd met Ashley. My desire, straight, gay, whatever the world felt the need to label it as had found a home. In Ashley. With her dizzying nature, and her wry humor, and her biting insults, and her hard shell, and her loving smile, and her soft eyes.

And when those eyes bore into mine and see me, really see me, I am content.


	2. Ashley

I still don't own anything.

Ashley thinks about Spencer. I don't do a good Ashley, but I try my best.

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Spencer is beautiful. As a girl who always appreciated the sexy (especially those first three letters) I never expected to fall for a girl who was the epitome of the definition of beautiful. Now don't get me wrong, Spence is definitely damn sexy, but all it took was one glance into those soulful blue eyes for me to realize she was so much more.

When I'm honest with myself I admit it all started as a game to keep me amused during the long school days. She was the new girl from Ohio, or Bumblefuck for all it mattered to me, and clearly out of her element. All I needed to do was hint around about my sexual preferences, then slyly hit on her in a way that left her wondering if she'd made the whole thing up. Let her cry on some cheer bitch shoulders later on. It was the perfect plan except for one unforeseeable flaw -- I liked her. In one afternoon she grew on me.

The attraction was undeniable. And yet for the first time I found myself unable to be aggressive. Me! She knew I was interested, and despite her best attempts to hide it, I knew she was interested in me. I could read it in her eyes. But in those eyes I also saw fear. And rather then sitting next to her and thinking about undressing her I would find myself sitting next to her and wanting desperately just to hold her hand. She was turning me soft.

Honestly, I'm still shocked at how long it took others to start to notice. How many girls did they know who would be content just to stare deeply into each others eyes for hours on end. They must have noticed that I had only looked at two girls since Spencer had shown up. And both those girls were just to make Spence jealous. Like she kept trying to use Aiden to make me jealous. And even though I like Aiden, he's a good guy, I couldn't feel bad for him. Instead, watching her kiss him but keeping her eyes on me, I felt more powerful then I ever have in my life. This coming from a girl who has actually had people begging for her body.

Being around Spencer makes me feel like a different person. A better person. I went to a sporting match for this girl. I went to a school dance. I fought off Madison. _Okay, that last one is for myself. _I never felt like she was dragging me along even if that's how I played it off. I felt happy just being around her. And when she would flash me one of her smiles I would forget everything and everyone else around me. My new found school spirit was totally worth it.

I let Spencer run the show. She led and I followed. It was a position I wasn't used to but I would never pressure the girl that sat next to me. Even when we almost kissed, it was her who opened that door. She talked about kissing me, and even though my timing might have been off, they were words I had been waiting to hear for so long. I couldn't help myself. It didn't help that we would often find ourselves having these…moments. Sitting next to each other, looking deep into each others eyes, practically crawling inside of each others souls and peeling away all the hidden layers. Being that close to someone and not kissing her was hard. Especially when she's so beautiful. But I knew she wasn't ready.

But someday she will be ready. And I will be there waiting. For now I'm content to relish in the hidden touches we give each other. Holding hands, rubbing arms. Innocent, and yet enough to make my insides melt. I have a feeling the inevitable kiss might be the end of me.


	3. Paula

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with South of Nowhere or its characters. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Author's Note: I hate Paula. But since it wouldn't make for a good chapter having Paula simply thinking "I am a bitch" I came up with something. I tried to make her real, because I think she has the potential to be a compelling character in the Spashley 'verse. Thank you, all you wonderful reviewing type people who make me smile. You rock my world. I hope you enjoy. There's an Aiden chapter next, and then one last chapter with the two girls together.

So, when you think about it, Paula's melting too. It's just more of a meltdown.

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Just when I think that things in my life can't get much worse, it hits me. My daughter believes she has deep feelings for another girl.Of courseneither one of them has come out and actually said so, but I could only deny the obvious for so long. Come out. Oh God. How appropriate. 

Spencer is my baby. My only girl and my youngest child. Before we moved to LA we would have the occasional mother-daughter night where we would go out and have dinner, see a movie, and talk about boys. Boys! When reflecting back I know Arthur will say there were a few incidents that should have made us question, but Arthur is notorious for making mountains out of molehills. There is no question. My daughter is not gay. My daughter is naïve, and that's causing her to be taken advantage of by someone with more street smarts then she has. She enjoys the attention. Like every girl, she wants to be loved. She just needs help seeing that it needs to come from the right place.

I know, in some twisted way, this…this…_experimentation_ on Spencer's part, is all my fault. I've been spending far too much time at work, and I foolishly believed Arthur could handle things at home. But of course, without me everything fell apart. My innocent Spencer fell in with the wrong crowd. She no longer obeys me. She spends all her time with that girl and all I can do is watch as she slowly falls. She slowly slips away from me and into a world I know she can't even begin to understand.

There are times though…times when I get home, drained after a long day at work and see the two of them together. Typically that girl is dropping Spencer off after doing _something_, and I find myself just watching the two of them interact. It's during these times, exhausted, on the brink of collapse, that I almost believe they really love each other. Because it's never anything big between the two of them. A big kiss, while horrifying to endure, would ensure experimentation. A large declaration would simply be Spencer trying to rebel against her parents. Instead they have moments that last just a few seconds too long. Touches. Looks. Smiles. Things that, were they cut off just a bit sooner, would be normal between friends. It's these very little things that remind me of how Arthur and I used to be when we were first dating. When we were young and shy, just learning about each other. We would melt into each other's lives, just like I see Spencer doing with this girl. And I just almost believe.

But then by the next morning, rested despite dreams of being alone and unloved, I remember my own upbringing and what is right and what is wrong. This girl is causing Spencer to stray, but I will now allow her to weaken my own faith. Everyday the desire to keep Spencer safe, to save her, to keep these two girls apart strengthens. And therefore my grip on Spencer tightens. And then it snapped. I slapped her. I slapped my daughter. And as badly as I feel about that, perhaps it's what she needs to understand that this isn't some game to play. It's life. She may hate me now, but it's for her own good and someday she will thank me.

I may not be at home anymore. But my daughter, all of my children, and their well-being is never far from my mind. It's too late to fix my own life, but maybe, just maybe I can fix hers.


	4. Aiden

Disclaimer: See chapters one through three.

Note: Man, writing from a guy's view point was even harder then writing from a homophobic mother's for me...how odd. Anyway, here you go. Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone. You rock. Seriously, you're all in my book of hardcore rockage.

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To be honest, I had been positive that I had loved Ashley when the two of us were together. She is beautiful and wild. We had fun together. She was wonderful. And the pain I felt when we lost the baby, which then led to me losing her, well it had threatened to consume me. That kind of pain can only mean love right? Never mind that it didn't take me long after to fall into bed with Madison. That was simply to feed my needs, and to forget about the one who broke my heart. No, I had been sure that I had loved Ashley. I had been sure I knew what love meant.

Enter one Spencer Carlin. She is beautiful and sweet. As proper as Ashley is unrestrained. Of course those two would be drawn together, they were perfectly complimentary. Surprisingly, despite the whole jock thing, it didn't take me too long to figure out exactly how drawn to each other they were. I don't think it hurt that I dreamed about that very thing ever since meeting Spencer. The two of them together was definitely a fantasy. So I watched them interact and let my mind wander. Because I watched them so closely I noticed the little things that others, and probably even each other, missed seeing.

For instance, I noticed how protective they were of each other. As soon as Madison came around Ashley would be the first to jump in, in order to keep Spence out of it. But Spencer never ran. In fact Spencer gave as good as Ashley got. That's what caught my attention. Spencer would make a biting comment only when she felt Ashley had been attacked, never to defend herself. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't start defending Ashley until I saw Spencer do it. I never realized Ashley was the type that needed to be defended sometimes. I guess I never knew her as well as I thought.

Another thing I noticed was how, no matter where we were or what we were doing, they sought each other out. In a crowded room, in the middle of school, they seemed to just automatically know where the other was. And though they wouldn't always acknowledge each other verbally, their body language always became more relaxed when the other was even in the vicinity. It's like they had this crazy radar only for each other. They were even doing it the night that my fantasy almost came true. It was like I wasn't even there. The two of them were the star of this show, the rest of us merely side characters.

Back to speaking of things I am ashamed of, I hate that I took advantage of Spencer's confusion. I mean, I will give myself a pat on the back for eventually stepping up and helping her sort out her feelings, but that was only because I had come to a stunning conclusion of my own. Otherwise, I think I might have let myself be used by these girls. I am only human after all. And a guy on top of that.

There I was, making out with a beautiful girl that I definitely liked. I was aware that the whole date was a way for Spencer to try and forget about Ashley. I was my own Madison. I felt her pushing herself on me and yet she was practically begging me to resist. She was crying. And that's when I realized. It was like a puzzle came together in my head, pieces fitting together in a way that I had never seen before. It made sense, the protection, the looks, that extra level of happiness that only existed when the two of them were together. It was love. Spencer and Ashley were in love. Well fuck.

And that was that, I helped push Spencer and Ash towards each other, exactly where they wanted to be. I lost the girl to…well my ex. There should be a law that a guy doesn't have to go through this kind of thing twice. If I wasn't so damn sexy I might have gotten a complex. But besides helping out my friends, I learned something to. I cared about Ash deeply. And she definitely broke my heart. But I had never been in love with her, at least not the kind that her and Spence shared. Someday that will be the kind of love I'll look for. Key word someday. Because for now, I just need to forget about two girls instead of the usual one.


	5. Arthur

Disclaimer: I don't own anything concerned with or involving SoN or its characters.

Author's Note: I am so sorry about the delay. I got so wrapped up in my other stories that this one fell off the radar for a bit. I actually only had one chapter left in mind, but I changed my mind...and if people remain interested then they will be up soon...I promise! I really like writing this next chapter, so I hope everyone likes it.

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Something changes in you after having children. It's like the world is born again with them. Things that were important to you before no longer matter, you're not the same person. The old problems you had to deal with are thrown out and a whole new set of issues are going to arise. You have to deal with those issues as a parent, not as who you used to be, no matter who that person was. See? A whole different world.

When my it became clear that my daughter was having a relationship with another girl, I will admit to being shocked. It's just not something I saw coming. Although, when I reflect back, perhaps there were signs here and there that I just chose to ignore. In that moment of realization, because she has yet to actually come out to me, it only took a split second to decide how I would react, whether or not this would change things between me and my daughter. A split second, that was all I needed. I accept her. Because I am a father, and whatever my views on homosexuality might have been before, I love my daughter and her happiness is all that matters to me.

Sometimes you have to make tough decisions when a parent. That one didn't even crack my top 100.

Unfortunately, Paula seems to be taking it hard. As if she hadn't already moved us across the country for another man, she still seems set on alienating our only daughter. Because God knows Spencer isn't having enough trouble dealing with these knew things herself. I'm a guy, but I notice things. I can see my daughter looking lost, deep in thought, apparently searching for some easy answer to a difficult question. I can see that she lights up like our yearly Christmas tree whenever Ashley's around. I watch them grin at each other, no words ever exchanged but clearly a conversation going on.

Although, maybe it doesn't take an overly observant person to see the feelings they obviously have for each other.

When Paula hit Spencer something in me broke. I had been hiding behind Paula's skirt, hoping to be able to pull some strings behind the scenes and help her to understand that Spencer and Ashley being together wasn't the end of the world. That in fact Spencer was happier with Ashley than any of her boyfriends back in Ohio. But then Paula crossed a line and that "let's just keep the peace" guy that I had always been stepped into the shadows and I had to become a different, harder person if for no other reason than to protect the safety of my family.

Sometimes you have to make tough decisions as a parent. That one made it into my top five.

Paula left. The really sad part is that even the new, hard Arthur didn't have the ability to kick her out. It was her decision to leave. She needed a break. _She _needed at breather from the relationship. At night, after nursing a few drinks to try and forget the pain, I can't help but question. I question what it was she needed a break from. I was a pushover. In fact, the only time we ever really fought was with her sudden cracking down on Spencer. I suppose I had been making life too easy for her. She needed a break.

I also question where we're supposed to go from here. I've tried to help children recover when their families have fallen apart in almost the same way and they're left alone. I don't want my kids to ever end up the same way. I don't want them to feel like they've lost a family.

A child needs to be accepted for who they are and that's how they thrive. Clay is black. Glen is a stereotypical jock. Spencer is gay. But all of that is only one small part of who my children are. Someday I want them to find their respective soul mates and live happily ever after. And it doesn't matter to me who that soul mate is.

So I just let Spencer and Ashley do their thing. And until the day comes that Spencer feels she can finally come to me and tell me everything, I try and show her in little ways that no matter what I love her. I'm extra polite to Ashley, and I drop sly hints about her happiness. I will remind her everyday that I love her, no matter who she is. She will always be my daughter. Nothing changes that.


End file.
